At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
