Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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