i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
