grandma shit on top of the toilet
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
