You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
