This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
a search helicopter?!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The struggles of a small town man whore
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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