This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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