Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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