You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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