Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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