I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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