I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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