I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
