opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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