I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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