You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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