I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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