dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
