i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
