this just has baby written all over it
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
