I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
