i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
