when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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