I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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