I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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