Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
