I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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