help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i need some magic done to my vagina
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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