I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
