He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
