the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
