So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
