either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
