Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
