in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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