PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
