Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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