Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
