my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
