Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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