um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
