Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm always down for nudity.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
