My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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