I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
