I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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