I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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