Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
