Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
