So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
