Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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