Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
