She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
