I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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