It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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