I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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