you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
there is puke in my bra ... again
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