That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We are two peas in an std pod
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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