And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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