I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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